To Always Remember Him

or

Easter Thoughts

I shall know why -- when Time is over --
And I have ceased to wonder why --
Christ will explain each separate anguish
In the fair schoolroom of the sky --

He will tell me what Peter promised --
And I -- for wonder at his woe --
I shall forget the drop of Anguish
That scalds me now -- that scalds me now!
~Emily Dickinson

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind...that his bowels may be filled with mercy...that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people." ~Alma 7:11-12

So that we never have to be alone.

"Be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you." ~Doctrine and Covenants 61:36

That we may always have his spirit to be with us....

Happy, Like, New Year. Totally.

Back from our beautiful hometown in San Diego with a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all! So after the Christmas story has been read and the gifts have been shared, what do we do? Well, our little family tends to go freeze ourselves--usually in the Pacific Ocean. But since it was supposedly snowing just up the hill in the one-stop-sign-having, totally gorgeous country town of Julian, we headed east instead.


Jae had never been in snow before, and it might have been alright, if it hadn't been raining; although I'm thinking the jacket that left his arms sticking out 180 degrees and wearing gloves for the first time in his life didn't add to his sense of enjoyment. Suffice to say, we drove an hour up the hill to slosh in the wet snow for 5 minutes, throw 10 snowballs, and then turn around again. So in Jae's book, I'm thinking snow is currently ranked at: not so much.

The BEACH, on the other hand...I think our whole family is in agreement:If we could somehow get away with living in a hut/tent/sleeping bag/whatever on the beach, we would so be there.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with San Diego ocean temperatures, it's cold. Here's some perspective: you know that swimming pool in your local gym? I'm guessing it's about 82-84 degrees. Cuz those water aerobics ladies like it that way. It gets any colder, most aren't getting in. Now if you hop in a pool with that initial chill factor that makes you gasp a second, but then you warm up as soon as you start going? That's about 78 degrees. Note the difference here: almost bathwater at 84, gasp to get in at 78. San Diego water temps? Low 60's typically. When we went, it was 56 degrees. Did that stop Jae? NO! He heads in at a run, pulling us along after him and is soaking head to toe within seconds. My feet are actually aching with the cold and he's pulling me in deeper. Can't touch? That doesn't matter to him. Can't swim? Who cares? Seriously, no fear. Well, eventually we all joined in the fun, diving underwater, soaking head to toe. The only people out there without wetsuits. Exhilerating. Freezing. Absolutely crazy. I love it. Me and my beach boys.

Bedtime Blues

I'm the first to admit when it comes to bedtime, we are uncannily lucky. We have the most bizarre child. First night home, he sleeps 5 hours, eats, then sleeps another 3 hours. That's the pattern for 3 weeks. Then he sleeps 8 hours a night. After a few months we're up to 10 or 11 hours.


Now he's 2. Bedtime routine? Read a story, scriptures, sing a song (while rocking in a blanket), say a prayer (I'll tell you about those another time), say "Goodnight Jae. I love you." That's followed by Jae: "Goodnight, Mom. Goodnight, Dad. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you...." (all with different inflections). We leave the room. He stays in bed. He may not SLEEP right at that moment. He may talk and sing to himself for 2 hours. But he'll stay there.

I know. Weird, right?

So imagine my confusion tonight: We ask what song he wants to sing. He says "Jesus!" We sing "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus." But all through the song, he keeps asking, "Jesus? Jesus?" So we sing one he knows the words to: "Jesus Once was a Little Child." We get ready to pray, but he keeps returning to the blanket, crying, and saying "Jesus?" I put him in bed and say goodnight, and he whimpers in a voice to break your heart, "Jesus?" So we sit in the rocking chair and sing "Away in a Manger" after which he happily climbs into bed.


So apparently "Away in a Manger" is the only acceptable song about Jesus.

Can you bullseye a womp rat?

The other day I was in a bookstore and found a toy on a shelf where a mom with 2 girls had just been--I brought it up to her: "Is this your Princess Amidala?"

"Oh yes!....We didn't know her name."

"Well actually, she's dressed as Padme here."

It's at this point that I realize that owning every version of Star Wars ever made (video and dvd, original and remake, separate and box set) and knowing that actually, come to think of it, Amidala is a Queen and a Senator, but not a Princess...is perhaps not as normal as I thought it was.

I never thought of myself as the bi-mon-sci-fi-con type, but when I'm watching Heroes and I notice that Hiro's dad's license plate is the serial number of the original Enterprise (because of course he was Mr. Sulu in the original Star Trek series), I have to begin to wonder...

Of course, I'm married to someone who knows how many TIE fighters chase the Millenium Falcon out of the Death Star and can win Star Wars Trivial Pursuit before I even get a turn...and I think that's awesome!

So, here's to all of you who had Star Wars bedsheets, dressed up for the midnight showing of Episode III, learned to sing Ewok, or tried to use the force to get out of a speeding ticket. Let's all go to Tosche station and pick up some power converters.

Luke: Heather Romano ~~~ Han Solo: Me ~~~ Princess Leia with 5 0'clock shadow: my brother Garney

Click to see my Star Wars Personality!!

101 Things I'm Thankful For...

(in no particular order)

1. Warm sunlight through a window
2. Fuzzy socks
3. Air conditioning
4. Indoor plumbing
5. La Jolla cove and all other beautiful places that make my soul sing.

6. Nia
7. A house to live in
8. Enough food to eat
9. Music--the language that reaches across cultures and touches the soul

10. Ryan the harpist

11. Ryan the daddy

12. Ryan, my best friend
13. My Savior
14. My mission in the British Isles Deaf Programme

photo © Daniel Steger for openphoto.net CC:Attribution-ShareAlike
15. Temples
16. Loving parents
17. My English Mum n Dad (they "adopted" me on my mission)
18. Ryan's parents, whom I love as much as those mentioned in #16
19. Sunrises, sunsets, sunrays through the clouds

20. The Book of Mormon
21. My body--all 75 trillion cells of it
22. The Muppets
23. Cuddling, etc....
24. Dolphins (If I could choose to shapeshift into any animal, it would be a dolphin...unless we're including fictional creatures, while we're in the realm of imagine if...then maybe it would be a dragon...an aquatic dragon...and it would have to be a nice dragon, sort of like a uh, dolphin...dragon--a dragphin? a dolgon? a liger? ..uh, nevermind. I'd just be a dolphin.)
25. Sleep (of which I was deprived when I wrote #24)
26. Comfortable display couches (particularly during all night outlet shopping)
27. Yoga (aka the jedi mind trick that kept me virtually pain free for 3 days of contractions and the first 12 hours of labor before I decided to stop pressing my luck and get an epidural)

28. Epidurals
29. The BYU Jerusalem Center, and my parents, for giving me the opportunity to go
30. Laughter
31. Hugs
32. Thrifty brand Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream
33. Water from the Ramona water depot
34. The pioneers
35. A living prophet
36. Dark chocolate
37. A job so fun I volunteer to do it on holidays

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38. Christmas time

39. A hot bath
40. Hot chocolate (mmm, hot dark chocolate...)
41. The first amendment
42. The answer to life, the universe and everything
43. Rainy days for cuddling with my 2 favorite boys
44. Windy days for flying a kite
45. Nights so clear, the stars seem to fill the immensity of space
46. Harvest moons
47. Mountain top vistas
48. Surfboards
49. Flip flops
50. Disposable diapers
51. My education
52. Fresh pineapple
53. The smell of fresh oranges
54. Sandcastles
55. Dreams about flying
56. Fresh squeezed juice
57. Girlfriends
58. My freedom and all those who sacrifice to maintain that freedom
59. Good books
60. Commandments
61. Tears
62. Mommy magic: where a kiss and an "I love you" make everything better
63. Poetry and the power of language to heal and to inspire
64. Family-you all deserve your own number, but then this list would really get long!

65. Family reunions

66. Porch swings
67. Little boy prayers
68. Superhero capes

69. The crunchy sound that fall leaves make
70. Puddles for stomping in
71. The opportunity to see the world again through the eyes of a 2-year-old
72. Teachers
73. Thunderstorms
74. Echoes
75. The first warm day after winter
76. The first cool day after summer
77. Disneyland and all the happy memories it holds
78. Schlitterbahn
79. Shampoo
80. Shaved legs
81. Early morning mist--as if the world wrapped itself in a blanket of peace
82. The power of a simple testimony carried by the spirit
83. Zion's Narrows
84. The ocean--its voice, its colors, its rhythm
85. The fact that you're still reading this!
86. Contagious smiles
87. Words that I need to hear, even if they're hard to hear
88. Those hard-to-hear words spoken from a place of love
89. Colors
90. Today
91. Everyday miracles
92. The power of hope
93. My eyes, that I might see the color of butterfly wings
94. My ears, that I might hear the magical sounds of things
95. My life
96. My mind
97. My heart
98. All God's creations, of which I'm a part
99. Knowing that Heavenly Father loves me
100. and You

What about #101?

101. Jae

But there's more to it, so it had to get its very own post. I'm SOOOO thankful for Jae, but I'm also thankful for all the waiting and heartache that came before Jae. Most of you know we had a long long wait before our miracle came along. We'd been married for 8 years, trying desparately to get pregnant for 6 of those years--including tests and charts and raised and dashed hopes--with the exception of a brief 10 weeks (my first pregnancy...before we lost the baby).

And I am grateful even for all of that....because I learned that:
1) No matter what happens, I am never alone. I always have comfort from my Heavenly Father and all the earthly angels (that's you) that He's sent to help me bear my burdens, if only I'm willing to share them.
2) God's timing truly is the best timing.

At any time, I would have been thankful and overjoyed at the arrival of my son. But the real miracle of it all was just how much I needed him right then...And here's the part most of you don't know. In the midst of all this, and partly--although not completely--because of all of this, I suffered through some dark depression...enough that I went to get treatment through counseling. A huge step for me, because, well...suffice to say it was really hard to bring myself to ask for that kind of help...Fortunately I wasn't so far gone, that I couldn't ask for help.

After months of that, as I was beginning to heal, beginning to come to a place where I accepted myself, and beginning to find a strength of spirit I never knew I had...a strength that came partly from facing that darkness...it was then (and after years of essentially giving up on ever having children, by the way) that suddenly and (as far as fertility test results were concerned) somewhat inexplicably, I was pregnant. With this boost, this miracle, the healing process exploded into full force, spreading to even begin to heal the hurts in our marriage that my darkness had caused....

And now? ....... I am honestly happier than I have ever been, more in love than I have ever been, more confident than I have ever been, more at peace than I have ever been.

Jae came at the time when I needed him most...the miracle of a baby to hold in my arms, a little person to care for, a light to shine into my life--casting the last of the shadows away. So before I finish I just have to say: yes, I do believe in God. Yes, I do believe that He loves me. And yes, I sincerely trust Him.

There's a book that Jae likes to read at Christmas time. It ends with the lines:

I am your hush now;
You are my lyrical.
I am your peace on Earth;
You are my miracle.

And now, to finish the list...I am thankful for:

101. Jae, my extraordinary miracle

Forever Family